Firstly, an apology. Until I hatched my own loin-fruit, Errol, five months ago, I never knew what to get for newly-sprogged friends. So I bought silver-plated baby hairbrushes, and photo albums from Fortnum & Mason, and ohsomany pastel teddy bears. How deeply useless of me. Sorry, sprogged friends. Yes yes, it’s the thought that counts. But as the giver, it’s nice to know that you’re giving something useful, that they may not already have, and something that’s – obviouslah – gorgeous. With all that in mind, here are 9 failsafe newborn gifts:

1.Sleepsuits are the all-in-one-with-footed-legs outfits that babies sleep in, and you really can’t have too many. The ones from JoJo Maman Bébé are great, with snaps and built-in scratch-mittens. (An aside: everyone always says to buy clothes too big as ‘they grow so fast!’ So I did. And Errol looked like a 90s rap star. Go against the tide and get your friend’s baby something that will fit him or her now. This is even more important if the baby is premature or very small – ie, under seven pounds.) 

2.Everyone needs a baby fact when they’re stuck next to a baby-bore at dinner parties, so here’s yours: babies lose 25% of their heat through their heads, and when they’re too cold, they can’t sleep. It’s a survival thang. Enter stage right: American Apparel baby hats in fantastic colours, with matching onesies (the little bodysuits that snap under the crotch). American Apparel is one of the only retailers that makes high-quality organic cotton baby clothes in bold colours (even black, for those fashtastic babies out there) without any logos or lame animal / soldier / balloon prints. As I always say, just because he’s a baby doesn’t make embroidered pastel velour okay.

3.A baby wrap is the kind of item that new parents think less-than-essential (when you’re staring down the barrel at that £1,000+ must-have buggy, you get brutal about other purchases). But they’re easy to use, colic-preventing, and deeply comforting for everyone involved - and for the first three months of parenthood, that’s pretty much as good as it gets. Try the Hotslings Pouch and the BabaSling.

4.Ever put your head to someone’s tummy and listened to the whooshygush of their insides? Well, times that by a hundred. That’s what newborns are used to. So a white noise machine is invaluable. Like a sling, until one uses it, one doesn’t realise how much of an essential it is. Instantly comforts and soothes newborns with the same deafening static that they hear in the womb.

5.Stand out from the gift-giving crowd, and make up a little box with the following: Bonjela, Calpol, Gripe Water, Organic Almond Oil, Infacol, Nelsons Teetha Teething Granules, Colief, Dentinox, Nasosal, a nasal aspirator, Sudocrem, Weleda Calendula Nappy Change Cream, Derma H2O wipes, and a MAM Newborn Soother. At least one of these items will save your friends some sleepless, stressful nights (it’s a long, long time till Boots opens when a baby is wailing with a cold at midnight), and in return they will love you forever and ever.

6.If the mother is breastfeeding-inclined, she’ll probably already have the Lanisoh-Widgey-Bravado Bra Holy Trinity, but get her one of these Scandahoovian nursing hoodies. And give her a high-five. Breastfeeding can be tough at first, but it’s a breeze after a couple of weeks.

7.Newborns are fascinated by black and white shapes, so a bedroom delightfully done in pale shades of clotted cream and duckegg blue will be a blurrghymurgh to them, but bold black and white posters like this and this will sing to their little brains. If you’re a little late with your gift and missed the newborn stage, check out these letter prints from V & A Prints or a baby animal print from the brilliant Sharon Montrose.

8.I just wrote about three hundred words about the extraordinary physical and psychological benefits of baby massage for mother/father/child, but I bored even myself. Delete. So just trust me: the Organic Babies Newborn Hamper, which includes a scent-free baby massage oil, and the wonderful flip-page-tastic Developmental Baby Massage Therapeutic Techniques book by Peter Walker, make a fantastic combination gift.

9.I was anti-bells-and-whistles tummytime gym mats. ‘Too overstimulating’ I said. What I meant was ‘too ugly for my house’. So I bought a Mamas and Papas Gingerbread 5-in-1 Playmat that was more pleasing to my interior decor sensibilities. Oh, how wrong I was. Errol was bored senseless in the M&P one, but LOVED the FisherPrice Rainforest Gym we used at a friend’s house. We also discovered other ugly essentials, like the Fisher-Price Rainforest Precious Planet Playtime Bouncer, Fisher-Price Rainforest Jumperoo and the Chicco DJ Walker via wiser and more experienced parents. Save your friends time and money and get them one of the above now. They’ll thank you now, but they’ll really mean it later.

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