Sitting (Not So) Pretty...

Bridezilla is a bride on a mission, stopping at nothing – not even laws that forbid you from dressing live swans in pearls and having them parade around the grounds, and no one – her husband-to-be (HTB), namely.

In her opinion, buying something new and blue (sapphires in Tiffany boxes specifically) is much more fun than something old and borrowed, and she’s already fired three wedding planners, in favour of her own unique mode of party organising – running around the city in four inch heels with her laptop and wedding journal in tow.

Stay tuned and watch how a perfectly sane woman, when proposed to, can turn into a fabric swatch-wielding, bouquet-throwing (at the florist, not the bridesmaids), Bridezilla.

It’s my wedding and everyone should know their place. And I’m not just talking about Husband-to-Be. Every great hostess knows that the table plans can make or break a party – heaven forbid that my Father's wife no. 2 is accidentally placed cheek by jowl next to current Stepmother. My two rival PR friends are to be sat at opposite ends of the room – no one wants any handbags to be thrown, especially when the bags in questions are Anya Hindmarch.

And I’m making very sure that the poor soul who's stuck with Great Uncle Bernard has an exceptional sense of humour (and doesn’t mind listening to him jabber on about Winston Churchill for half the night).

Of course, one needs to be oh so sensitive when dealing with the many egos that make up my beloved friends and family. List the tables 1-20 and you’re in danger of offending those on table 20.

When it comes to table names, be warned – try to be too clever or obscure and you risk flummoxing your guests.

I mean, as much as all the different names of Louboutins from SS07 (the season HTB and I met) mean so much to me, the less shoe-versed amongst the bridal party simply won’t get it.

For something a bit different, I’m heading to the appropriately named Table Planner, who design table plans for every kind of couple.

From cocktails for boozy newlyweds to golf course names for golfing fanatics (HTB would love this...in his dreams!), and even covers of your favourite albums (that’s out of the question – I don’t want to come clean about my Girls Aloud back catalogue just yet), they do it all.

I’m (I mean, we’re) opting for the underground tube map theme (pictured above, left) – fitting for a London ceremony (not that I set foot underground all too often).

A chic alternative to a table plan are individual cards (which can be bought at Gee Brothers) – big in the States, they’re placed in envelopes laid out on a table the guests see as they come in, each inscribed with the guest’s name, and inside, a little card indicating which table they’re on. (So there's no time for any musical chairs or moaning for that matter.)

Then there’s the matter of table markers. As much as traditional table signs are perfectly agreeable, the Chanel-lover in me is particularly drawn to Rebekah Daley’s chic perfume bottle-style table markers (pictured above, right). I say why not go all out and go for an entirely Chanel-themed wedding. HTB didn’t like the idea very much...

For place cards, there are a million options. I mean, there’s a whole folder dedicated to them in my series of wedding journals (I had to get a whole series in the end. How did I ever think I could cope with just one?).

For a country affair, these Name Place Vases (pictured above, left) are just darling – fill with a single bloom for understated elegance. Shoddily-written cards will utterly ruin all your hard work, so if you have the handwriting of a 6 year old, invest in a good calligrapher – my recommendation is Paul Antonio Scribe for beautifully penned place cards.

For something a little more homemade, tie these pretty zinc hearts (pictured above, right) around napkins. Tuck in a sprig of rosemary for that extra special touch.

Alternatively, hang a simple luggage tag (pictured left) around your guests’ chairs, and personalise (read: call on good old Paul Antonio) with calligraphy.

Who knew that planning tables could be so much hard work? And that’s even before the daunting task of deciding who won’t hate each other, who hasn’t cheated on who’s other half, and who, quite frankly, needs a table all to themselves.

I say cut out the middle man and opt for Smythson’s Complete Wedding Service (pictured right) which contains everything you need for the most elegant table plans, menus, placecards, table numbers and even luggage tags for the honeymoon.

The price tag is just a tiny formality... But how can you put a price on my sanity (escort cards, table plans, finding the perfect calligrapher – it’s enough to send a girl into rehab)?

Now if I can just persuade HTB...

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